Bingham's Notebook: Time Travel in The Midas Files — The Foggy Room Theory
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- Matt DeReno
- Bingham's Notebook
- 2024-08-09 17:02:17
Cool Filmz: Give Palpatine Credit — Darth Vader’s Suit Is The Ultimate Employer "Reasonable Accommodation"
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: Cool Filmz
Reasonable accommodations in the workplace are usually associated with things like modified schedules, adaptive equipment, standing desks, accessible workspaces, or software that helps people do their jobs more effectively.
Cool Filmz: Revisiting A Review of DaVinci Code Starring Tom Hanks
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: Cool Filmz
It’s funny what you find when digging through old files. The other day, I stumbled across a review I wrote years ago for The Da Vinci Code, Ron Howard’s 2006 adaptation of Dan Brown’s blockbuster novel starring Tom Hanks as symbologist Robert Langdon.
Read more: Cool Filmz: Revisiting A Review of DaVinci Code Starring Tom Hanks
Cool Filmz: Revisiting Conspiracy Theory (1997)
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: Cool Filmz
Every so often, I dig through old files and find a movie review I forgot I wrote. This one goes way back to 2007, when I was writing for a now-defunct site called Coverups.com. Since Cool Filmz gives me a place to dust off these older reviews, I figured Richard Donner’s Conspiracy Theory was worth revisiting.
CoolFilmz: Is Die Hard A Christmas Movie? Yes—It's Home Alone for Grownups
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: Cool Filmz
“Ho. Ho. Ho. Now I have a machine gun.”
That is not exactly the kind of line you expect from a cozy holiday classic. It is not Bing Crosby by the fireplace. It is not Jimmy Stewart rediscovering the meaning of life in Bedford Falls. It is Hans Gruber reading a message scrawled on the body of one of his henchmen after John McClane has officially begun ruining the Nakatomi Plaza Christmas party.
Read more: CoolFilmz: Is Die Hard A Christmas Movie? Yes—It's Home Alone for Grownups
Cool Filmz: Midnight Run—an Action-Comedy Ace!
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: Cool Filmz
Turning on an old favorite can feel like catching up with a friend you forgot you missed.
The Funny Newz: New Tennis Ball Diet Sweeping Nation
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: The Funny Newz
MIAMI — In a radical departure from current medical opinion, common sense, and several basic rules of chewing, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® has become the latest diet craze sweeping Hollywood.
Many industry insiders predict the trend will soon go mainstream, replacing popular diets such as Fatkins, The Zone, Jenny Craig’s, Whale Watchers, and Frank’s Fat Farm as the preferred lifestyle choice among celebrities, influencers, and people who own expensive blenders but no judgment.
Unlike traditional food plans, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® endorses the mass consumption of tennis balls — boiled, broiled, poached, grilled, deep fried, and, most popularly, juiced.
Supporters claim tennis balls are low in calories, low in carbohydrates, and high in essential fiber, resilience, and whatever that fuzzy green stuff is.
A Medical Breakthrough Nobody Asked For
Dr. Rachel Faddy of the Mayo Clinic says she discovered the diet during a late-night eating binge when she accidentally ate a tennis ball.
“I woke up the next morning feeling lighter,” Faddy said. “Then I stepped on the scale and realized I had lost 25 pounds, three molars, and most of my credibility.”
Since then, Faddy has become the leading advocate for what she calls “sports-based nutritional disruption.”
“People have spent years asking whether they should eat carbs, protein, fats, or plants,” Faddy said. “No one had the courage to ask the obvious question: what if the answer was sporting goods?”
Local Man Loses Weight, Tool Shed
Before beginning the diet, Jerry Duquesne of McKeesport, Pennsylvania, described himself as “built like a guy who deeply respects beer.”
“I used to joke that I needed a big tool shed because I had such a large tool,” Duquesne said. “People laughed, but privately, I despaired. Mostly because nobody wanted to help me move the shed.”
After two weeks on a strict diet of tennis balls, lettuce, and a heaping serving of vegetables he mainly used for garnish, Jerry claims he lost significant weight.
“I no longer have the tool shed,” he said. “I sold it to buy a juicer strong enough to liquefy Wimbledon.”
Duquesne also says he gave up beer and switched to low-calorie imaginary beer, which he describes as “terrible, but emotionally familiar.”
The Sport Is Part of the Meal
According to Faddy, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® is not only about eating tennis balls. It is also centered on the sport itself.
One popular technique is called “lob serving” a meal. During lob serving, two dieters sit at opposite ends of a table and toss food at each other’s mouths. If the food misses, that is considered a successful reduction in caloric intake.
“You only eat what you can catch,” Faddy explained. “It combines portion control, cardiovascular confusion, and the joy of watching your family throw chicken at you.”
Faddy says children especially enjoy the program.
“Kids love throwing food at their parents,” she said. “For once, it can be considered wellness.”
Florida Woman Credits Daily Tennis Ball Juice
Kathy Gensler of Fort Myers, Florida, says she struggled for years to lose weight before a friend sarcastically told her, “Why don’t you eat tennis balls for lunch and see if that helps?”
Gensler took the advice literally.
Three weeks later, she says she had returned to her high school diving form, mostly because she had become aerodynamic from panic.
“Every morning before work, I juice a tennis ball,” Gensler said. “Later in the day, I swallow a tennis ball whole to hold me over until dinner. It keeps me full, focused, and banned from three sporting goods stores.”
Critics Remain Unimpressed
Critics argue that eating tennis balls is no different from eating any other inorganic sporting good.
“In my professional opinion, this is just another gimmick diet,” said FDA researcher Dr. Bernard F. Heinauer, who asked that readers please remember he is not responsible for whatever America does next. “I suppose if I ate my golf shoe, I might lose weight too. That does not make it nutrition.”
Heinauer also criticized lob serving as “bacchanalian,” then paused and admitted he was not entirely sure what that meant.
“It sounds bad,” he said. “And that feels medically relevant.”
Faddy Fires Back
Faddy rejects the criticism.
“Tennis balls have zero calories, taste better than you’d expect, and make a very satisfying sound when they hit the blender,” she said. “What other diet can make that claim?”
When asked whether she had concerns about people actually eating tennis balls, Faddy shrugged.
“Play a couple matches, juice your tennis balls, and throw food at each other’s faces,” she said. “It’s the perfect diet.”
At that point, Faddy shouted, “One serving, incoming!” and lobbed a slice of pie across the interview table.
With whipped cream dripping from my nose, I was forced to admit that while the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® may not be medically sound, spiritually responsible, or technically food, it was at least fun to try once.
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Please do not eat tennis balls, golf shoes, or any other sporting goods unless you are a golden retriever with internet access.
Funny Newz: Did Stonehenge Suffer A Y0K Problem?
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: The Funny Newz
SALISBURY, ENGLAND — World-renowned scientist Dr. Frederick Diffendorfer of the Archaeological Institute for the Preservation of Pedantic Study plans to publish a groundbreaking paper this summer on Stonehenge, shortly after resolving what his legal team continues to call “an unfortunate plagiarism misunderstanding.”
In an exclusive interview with The Funny Newz, Diffendorfer revealed his central finding: Stonehenge, one of humanity’s oldest and most mysterious monuments, was not a sacred temple, burial site, astronomical calendar, or alien landing pad.
It was a public works boondoggle.
According to Diffendorfer, the ancient monument was designed to track the sun, moon, and stars, but ultimately failed due to what he calls a “glaring Y0K problem.”
“It counted backward toward the year zero,” Diffendorfer explained. “The Druids knew it wasn’t savior-compliant, but by then they had already spent the grant money.”
The Ancient Clock That Couldn’t
Much like the Y2K panic that worried modern computer users, Diffendorfer believes Stonehenge suffered from an ancient countdown flaw.
“The system was state-of-the-art for its time,” he said. “Unfortunately, no one planned for what would happen when the calendar reached zero. The whole thing became a very large, very heavy error message.”
Diffendorfer claims Druidic officials hid the problem out of embarrassment.
“They felt the alien contractors had ripped them off,” he said. “Which, in fairness, is a common issue with interstellar public infrastructure projects.”
The Funny Newz pointed out that Diffendorfer’s theory assumes the Druids somehow knew future Western civilization would reset its calendar around the birth of a major biblical figure.
Diffendorfer paused.
“Yes,” he said. “That is one of the stronger parts of the theory.”
Made in China?
Among Diffendorfer’s more surprising findings is his claim that the stones themselves were quarried in China.
Using what he described as “a giant hydraulic jack and several interns with questionable liability waivers,” Diffendorfer and his team reportedly lifted the Heel Stone and found an ancient inscription beneath it.
According to linguists, the inscription roughly translates to:
Made in China.
“It answers one of archaeology’s oldest questions,” Diffendorfer said. “Namely, where did they get all these enormous rocks, and were they eligible for free shipping?”
Druidic Funding Problems
Diffendorfer believes Stonehenge was funded through a progressive Druid sin tax on spell casting, incantations, potions, curses, and premium wand accessories.
“The original budget was very modest,” he said. “But then the Druids added celestial tracking, lunar alignment, seasonal forecasting, alien-grade masonry, and a commemorative gift shop. Costs ballooned.”
Many Druids were reportedly skeptical of the project from the beginning. Ancient meeting minutes, reconstructed by Diffendorfer mostly from vibes, suggest several officials wondered why they did not “just go with a ziggurat or something practical.”
There was also a competing offer from alien builders in the Alpha Centauri system, who had a two-for-one deal on giant stone heads for Easter Island.
“But the Druids wanted something local,” Diffendorfer said. “Something the community could gather around and not understand for thousands of years.”
Keeping Up With the Aztecs
Despite budget concerns, Druidic officials approved the project after consultants marketed Stonehenge as a “multi-purpose ancient ruin.”
“It was really a matter of keeping up with the Aztecs,” Diffendorfer said, despite the Aztecs arriving much later and nowhere near Salisbury Plain.
When asked whether that timeline created a problem, Diffendorfer nodded.
“It creates several,” he said. “But none that cannot be solved with confidence.”
From Sacred Monument to Coffee House
Diffendorfer’s paper also claims Stonehenge changed purposes many times over the centuries.
At one point, he says, it functioned as a prehistoric coffee house where disaffected young Druids gathered to sip double lattes, complain about elder councils, and experiment with “entry-level dark magic.”
Later, it allegedly became a primitive casino where Druids played a high-stakes card game known as Wizard Hold’em.
“The evidence is subtle,” Diffendorfer said. “Mostly because I made it up responsibly.”
The First Rock Concert
Perhaps the most controversial claim in Diffendorfer’s paper is that Stonehenge later served as an early concert venue.
According to his research, the hit song “Clock Around the Rock” was first performed there in 845 A.D., drawing thousands of fans, mystics, livestock, and confused monks.
The opening act?
A band called the Rolling Stones.
Diffendorfer insists the discovery will change everything we know about ancient history, public works spending, and the dangers of failing to update prehistoric celestial software.
“Stonehenge was not just a monument,” he said. “It was a warning. Always check the warranty before buying from aliens.”
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Stonehenge remains one of the world’s great ancient monuments. Please do not attempt to lift the Heel Stone with a hydraulic jack, especially if your research team is composed primarily of interns and vibes.
The Funny Newz: Space Aliens Buying Up U.S. Beachfront Property — Officials Say Everything Is Fine
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: The Funny Newz
CLEARWATER, FLORIDA — Interstellar aliens are rapidly buying up U.S. real estate and business holdings at what critics are calling an alarming rate, The Funny Newz has learned.
The Funny Newz: Mojave Officials Crack Down on Cheap Alien Monuments
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- Written by: Matt DeReno
- Category: The Funny Newz
MOJAVE DESERT, CALIFORNIA — Adrian Covarrubias of the Mojave Desert Resource Conservation and Development Council was rattling across the desert Thursday in a government-leased Jeep Commander when he spotted yet another suspicious alien artifact on the distant horizon.
Read more: The Funny Newz: Mojave Officials Crack Down on Cheap Alien Monuments
- The Funny Newz: Snow Leopard Has Online Woman Purring
- The Funny Newz: Chattering Teeth Robot Wins $1 Billion Defense Contract
- The Funny Newz: Captured Angel Rescued by Former Navy SEAL Turned Used Camel Dealer
- Quantum Soup: CubeSats, the tiniest of satellites, are changing the way we explore the solar system
- Quantum Soup: Boeing’s Starliner Returned Without Its Crew. What Does That Mean for NASA?
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