CLEARWATER, FLORIDA — Interstellar aliens are rapidly buying up U.S. real estate and business holdings at what critics are calling an alarming rate, The Funny Newz has learned.
Even more surprising, the U.S. government is now reportedly helping them do so through joint venture partnerships, relocation incentives, and progressive loan programs designed to make it easier for extraterrestrial buyers to purchase American property without the usual hassles of background checks, oxygen compatibility forms, or explaining why their signatures glow.
Larry Bauer, president and CEO of Interstellar Alien Relocation Services, or IARS, says there is nothing to fear.
“These aliens are coming here because they want to relax and contribute to the American way of life,” Bauer said. “They admire our leisurely lifestyle and want to enjoy it too. Also, frankly, they are tired of their planets exploding.”
The New Interstellar Beachfront Boom
According to Bauer, beachfront homes are especially popular among aliens from the Alpha Centauri system, many of whom come from rocky planets with no water, no beaches, and very limited opportunities to complain about coastal parking.
“Luxury beachfront living is something they simply can’t get at home,” Bauer explained. “They have tried to build vacation developments on their own planets, but the harsh energy from their binary quasar keeps burning the model homes to ashes.”
Bauer also cited the rising cost of solar flare insurance.
“You think flood insurance and hurricane premiums are expensive?” he said. “That’s nothing. These folks are paying through all six noses.”
One recently constructed alien-owned beachfront home in Duck, North Carolina, has already drawn attention from neighbors due to its unusual architecture, hovering garage, and a decorative fountain that appears to be filled with mercury.
The Internet Changed Everything
Bauer says aliens had little interest in Earth real estate until the internet made property listings easy to browse across galaxies.
“Before Zillow, they were perfectly content abducting people, conducting experiments for biology class, and heading home,” Bauer said. “But once they saw four-bedroom colonials with updated kitchens and proximity to shopping, everything changed.”
He added that many alien buyers are especially drawn to American suburbs.
“They like the cul-de-sacs,” he said. “Apparently, from orbit, they look like landing patterns.”
Is Larry Bauer an Alien?
Critics contend that Bauer himself may be an alien shapeshifter who has manipulated federal housing programs to benefit extraterrestrial investors.
Rumors persist that Bauer was abducted in the summer of 1983 and returned two years later, when he was found naked in a cornfield outside East Lansing, Michigan. His children, Tom Bauer, 36, and Sherry Bauer, 25, say their father has not been the same since.
“I was weirded out when I saw my old man swallow a mouse for breakfast,” Tom said. “It was like that old TV show V. Also, he can microwave a Swanson TV dinner just by pointing at it.”
Sherry says she became suspicious when her father began molting in the laundry room.
“He told us it was dry skin,” she said. “But dry skin usually does not hiss.”
Bauer denies all allegations.
“I am one hundred percent human,” he said, blinking sideways. “I enjoy football, property taxes, and standing in line at the DMV. These are normal human pleasures.”
Planet Flipping?
Others believe the real danger is not immigration, but speculation.
One alien buyer, Rarf Nanork, has been accused by local critics of being less interested in joining the American dream than flipping Earth for profit.
The Funny Newz obtained a Clearwater police report in which Nanork was cited for drunk and disorderly behavior at a Joe’s Crab Shack. According to the report, Nanork became belligerent after his eighth Mai Tai and shouted that he was only interested in “flipping this friggin’ planet and bagging this stupid rock.”
He also allegedly referred to humans as “a bunch of oxygen-swilling hairless monkeys,” which several patrons described as “hurtful but not entirely inaccurate.”
Management called police after Nanork reportedly groped a waitress, attempted to pay his bill with antimatter, and passed out inside the lobster tank.
Government Officials Urge Calm
Despite growing concern, officials insist the alien real-estate boom is under control.
“These extraterrestrial investors are simply looking for vacation homes, business opportunities, and a peaceful place to retire after centuries of interstellar conquest,” said one housing official who asked to remain anonymous because his office had recently accepted a grant from the Galactic Mortgage Authority.
Asked whether alien buyers could eventually control large portions of American land, the official dismissed the concern.
“That is ridiculous,” he said. “They are not trying to control America. They are trying to bundle it with Canada and sell the whole package to a Saturn-based investment group.”
Welcome to the Neighborhood
For now, Bauer says Americans should welcome their new interstellar neighbors.
“They pay cash, maintain their lawns, and almost never vaporize the HOA president unless provoked,” he said. “Honestly, they may be the best buyers this market has ever seen.”
When asked whether humans should worry about being priced out of their own planet, Bauer smiled.
“Of course not,” he said. “There are still plenty of affordable options on Mars.”
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Interstellar aliens are not currently eligible for federally backed mortgages, although several have reportedly been preapproved by suspiciously aggressive lenders.
