Funny Newz: Did Stonehenge Suffer A Y0K Problem?

World renowned scientist, and off-the-wagon recovering alcoholic, Dr. Frederick Diffendorfer, of the Archaeological Institute for the Preservation of Pedantic Study, plans to publish a seminal paper this summer on Stonehenge, shortly after his plagiarism trial.

The Funny Newz has learned in an exclusive interview, Diffendorfer plans to reveal that Stonehenge, one of mankind’s oldest and mysterious monuments dating back 2,500 years ago, is nothing more than a public works boondoggle which never quite did what it was designed to do: keep track of the sun, moon and stars. In fact, it died on the vine for a lack of Druidic funding.

“It suffered from a glaring Y0K problem,” Diffendorpher said, “And the Druids were embarrassed about it, so they kept it a secret. The felt like the alien builders ripped them off.”

Among Diffendorpher’s surprising findings is the origin of the rocks themselves. Long since a mystery, he believes the cumbersome rocks were largely quarried in China. In fact, using a giant hydraulic jack, Diffendorpher and a team of researchers lifted the “Heel Stone” to reveal an archaic Druidic inscription, which linguists believe roughly translates to the following phrase: Made In China.

Muck like Y2K, Diffendorfer believes a serious error was made in not planning for Y0K. After all, the prehistoric celestial Timex counted backwards toward the year 0 A.D. Though state-of-the-art at the time, it was not “savior compliant” as Diffendorpher put it. The Druids knew this but refused to tell the world.

To be fair, The Funny Newz pointed out to Diffendorpher that by implication his paper imbues the Druids with a stunning prescience to know that once their clock got down to zero, western civilizations would simply start the count back up with the advent of a certain historic biblical figure. That critical flaw aside, Diffendorpher believes he cracked some of the rock’s other mysteries such as how they paid for it and what it was used for.

Funding for Stonehenge was accomplished through a progressive Druid sin tax on spell castings and incantations. Furthermore, the whole thing was purchased through Alien builders from the Alpha Centauri system.

Most Druids were not thrilled about Stonehenge as it was hard to convey, much as it is today, a practical explanation for what they referred to as their “large rock jalopy.” In fact, Druids at the time wondered why they simply did not “just go with a ziggurat or something more practical.” The alien builders had a pretty good two-for-one deal going on those big face statutes in Easter Island.

Nonetheless, the Druidic officials felt the Stonehenge thing was forecasted as a “multi-purpose” ancient ruin and went with it despite budgetary misgivings. It was simply a matter of “Keeping up with the Aztecs.”

Diffendoprher believes later the Druids used Stonehenge as a prehistoric coffee house, where younger, disaffected youths would meet and engage in Druidic black magic and sipping of double-lattes. Years later, evidence suggests it was a primitive casino, where Druids would assemble for large gatherings of a game called Wizard Hold’em. Finally, it was used as an early concert venue, where the hit song “Clock Around the Rock” was first played in 845 A.D. Perhaps most surprising of all his findings--the opening act that night: a band called the Rolling Stones.