New AI quality-control system will stamp a literal poop stain on obnoxious, poorly made content so viewers know when they're about to waste 45 seconds of their lives
SAN FRANCISCO — Anthropic announced Wednesday that Claude will soon begin identifying obnoxious, poorly crafted AI-generated videos by placing a digital skidmark across them, giving social-media users their first reliable warning that the content they're about to watch may be complete shit.
Unlike conventional AI watermarks, which are designed to identify synthetic media, the new Claude Skidmark™ will appear only when Claude determines that a video is "fucking stupid as all shit."
And unlike a watermark, the skidmark will look exactly like what the name suggests: a conspicuous brown shit stain.
"We realized consumers don't really care whether a video was made with AI," said Anthropic product manager Trevor Beezley. "They care whether it sucks ass."
According to Anthropic, Claude will analyze videos for several warning signs, including nonsensical plots, fake celebrity endorsements, inspirational garbage, impossible animal rescues, screaming AI babies, fabricated historical footage, unnecessary cleavage, six-fingered motivational speakers and videos promising that "what happens next will leave you speechless."
Once a video exceeds what researchers call the Buckeye Threshold, Claude will digitally drag a smear of shit across the video.
"It's basically quality assurance," Beezley explained.
The system will reportedly use different skidmark sizes to indicate the severity of the offense.
A small brown streak means the video is lazy but potentially watchable.
A moderate skidmark indicates significant AI slop.
A full-width Code Brown means Claude has determined that the video should never have been generated, uploaded, shared, reposted or shown to another human being and constitutes uncontrollable content diarrhea.
"We're reserving Code Brown for the really egregious stuff," Beezley said. "If you've got Jesus arm-wrestling Bigfoot while Elon Musk watches from a Lamborghini full of puppies, we're probably going spray your content something nasty.."
Early testing has reportedly produced promising results.
Researchers fed Claude an AI video showing an elderly woman rescuing a tiger cub from a flooded subway.
Claude watched approximately 1.7 seconds.
The skidmark splattered half the screen.
"It didn't even finish processing the video," one engineer said. "It just knew and shit the screen."
Anthropic says the technology could help address growing consumer frustration with AI slop flooding Facebook, TikTok, YouTube and other social-media platforms.
Under the proposed system, platforms could eventually allow users to filter content by skidmark severity.
Users might select No Skids, Light Soiling, Moderate Slop, or Facebook Default.
The company is also experimenting with a controversial setting called Trust the Trots, which allows questionable videos to proceed without additional analysis, essentially go it alone for a while and hope you don't need a toilet.
Engineers strongly recommend leaving it disabled.
Content creators will be permitted to appeal a skidmark designation, although Anthropic warned that unsuccessful appeals could result in a second skidnark splashed over the first.
"That's the double shit," Beezley said.
The announcement has already caused concern throughout the rapidly growing AI-influencer industry, where creators fear that automated skidmark detection could unfairly stigmatize videos consisting primarily of attractive synthetic women staring into cameras while explaining things they don't understand.
One AI influencer responded to the controversy by posting a seven-minute video titled THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS ABOUT CLAUDE, accompanied by a thumbnail showing herself crying next to the Anthropic logo.
Claude immediately shit all over it.
Industry analysts nevertheless believe Anthropic may have found an elegant solution to one of artificial intelligence's most difficult problems.
"For years, the industry has tried to develop sophisticated technical standards for identifying synthetic content," said technology analyst Greg Pimmel. "Anthropic finally asked the obvious question: Why not just put a shit stain on the bad ones?"
Funny Newz contacted Claude for comment and asked whether our own AI-assisted journalism would qualify for a skidmark.
Claude reportedly analyzed this article for several seconds.
A small brown streak appeared across the bottom of the screen.
We are appealing.
Funny Newz — The stories aren't real. The absurdity occasionally is.
