Alien Abduction and Organ Processing Centers Drawing Fire for Heavy Water, Electricity Use

Communities say Rarf Nangork's rapidly expanding facilities are straining local utilities, while apparently remaining surprisingly unconcerned about what happens inside them. 

PHOENIX — Residents across the United States are pushing back against a rapidly expanding network of alien abduction and human organ processing centers, warning that the massive facilities are consuming extraordinary amounts of water and electricity and could send household utility bills soaring.

The centers are owned by Alpha Centaurian billionaire Rarf Nangork, whose Nangork Galactic Industries has announced plans to construct dozens of the sprawling facilities in communities across the country.

Residents say they've had enough.

"It's outrageous," homeowner Kevin Mercer said during a packed community meeting Tuesday. "My electric bill is already $286 a month. Now they're telling me this goddamn alien organ-processing center could push it over $350?"

Mercer shook his head.

"People can't afford that."

Asked whether he had concerns about the facility abducting local residents and harvesting their organs, Mercer shrugged. "I mean, obviously, nobody loves that."

He pointed toward his utility bill.

"But look at this."

A Growing Industry

Nangork describes the facilities as Alien Abduction and Organ Processing Centers, or AAOPCs, enormous windowless complexes containing spacecraft hangars, medical laboratories, refrigerated storage facilities and what company literature calls "high-throughput biological material optimization systems."

The company says each center could employ hundreds of humans in security, maintenance, administration and "post-extraction sanitation."

Critics contend that a single facility can consume as much electricity as a small city.

Water consumption may be even more controversial.

According to company documents, enormous quantities of fresh water are required to cool tractor-beam generators, maintain cryogenic storage systems and hose down the processing floors between shifts.

"That's drinking water," resident Melissa Crowley said. "They're using perfectly good drinking water to wash kidneys into a floor drain."

Crowley paused.

"And have you seen my water bill?"

Nangork Says Critics Don't Understand Technology

Nangork has dismissed the growing opposition as the predictable fear that accompanies technological progress.

"Every transformative industry uses resources," Nangork told Funny Newz. "Steel mills use energy. Automobile plants use energy. Your precious internet uses energy. Suddenly I need a little electricity to operate 400 simultaneous rectal probes and everybody becomes an environmentalist."

Nangork said newer facilities will use substantially more efficient extraction equipment.

"The Mark VII probe uses 23 percent less electricity per insertion," he said.

Asked whether reducing the number of abductions might conserve even more energy, Nangork appeared confused.

"Why would we do that?"

Property Values Another Concern

Residents living near proposed facilities have also expressed concern about noise, traffic and declining property values.

Several homeowners complained that Nangork's Abductor-class spacecraft frequently arrive after midnight, producing a low-frequency humming noise followed by brilliant flashes of light. "It's every damn night," said Arizona homeowner Dale Simmons. "Two in the morning—WHOOOOOM—the whole bedroom lights up."

Simmons said he complained directly to Nangork Galactic Industries.

"They offered me triple-pane windows."

Asked whether Simmons had ever personally been abducted, he nodded.

"Twice."

Was that concerning?

"Not nearly as much as the noise."

Local Governments Welcome Investment

Despite community opposition, several municipalities have welcomed the centers because of promised construction jobs and additional tax revenue.

One proposed facility is expected to create 1,200 temporary construction jobs and approximately 340 permanent positions once operational. Those positions reportedly include technicians, custodians, spacecraft marshals, refrigeration specialists and 46 openings for Human Intake Coordinators.

Starting salary is $52,000 with dental.

Medical coverage is not available for preexisting organ removal.

Local economic-development officials emphasized that the centers could revitalize struggling industrial areas.

"We understand residents have concerns," one official said. "But this represents nearly $6 billion in extraterrestrial investment."

Asked about reports that approximately 18,000 humans could be processed annually at the facility, the official nodded.

"That's certainly something we'll continue monitoring."

He added that the project would also include a new bike trail.

Environmental Groups Demand Answers

Environmental organizations are now calling on Nangork to disclose precisely how much water and electricity each facility consumes.

Activists gathered outside one proposed site carrying signs reading OUR WATER, NOT THEIR COOLANT and MY ELECTRIC BILL IS ALREADY TOO DAMN HIGH.

No signs mentioned the organ harvesting. "That's really outside our mission statement," one organizer explained.

Rarf Promises Improvements

Facing mounting criticism, Nangork announced Thursday that future centers would incorporate solar panels, water-reclamation technology and energy-efficient LED lighting throughout all major examination and dismemberment areas.

"We're listening," Nangork said.

The company also pledged to recycle 40 percent of the water used during organ processing by 2030.

"We want Americans to understand that sustainability is extremely important to us," Nangork said. "There is absolutely no reason processing humans cannot be environmentally responsible."

Asked whether he could guarantee the new facilities would not increase residential utility rates, Nangork hesitated. "No."

Asked whether he could guarantee residents wouldn't be abducted from their homes, he smiled.

"Next question."