MOJAVE DESERT — Local officials say they have had enough of extraterrestrial developers dropping cheap black monoliths in the desert and calling it a civilization.
Adrian Covarrubias of the Mojave Desert Resource Conservation and Development Council was beating the piss out of his government-leased Jeep Commander on Thursday when he spotted another row of suspicious black pillars on the horizon. After bouncing across several miles of desert to investigate, Covarrubias said his initial excitement quickly gave way to the weary disgust of a man who has seen one too many interstellar spec homes.
“It’s becoming a real problem,” Covarrubias said. “The aliens watch all those reality shows about flipping houses and think they can throw up a shack, put some granite in the kitchen and cash out. For crying out loud — build us a pyramid or something or get the fuck out of here.”
Officials say this is the fourth set of alien monuments in roughly a year that may have to be demolished at taxpayer expense. The Council is now considering zoning rules that would prohibit extraterrestrial construction unless the finished project can make a reasonable case for inclusion among the wonders of the world.
“We’re not anti-alien,” Covarrubias said. “We just have standards.”
Dr. Frederic Diffendorpher, an archaeological expert specializing in interstellar ruins on Earth, agreed that the structures show all the signs of bargain-basement extraterrestrial construction. Diffendorpher identified the material as OSB-GG — Oriented Strand Board, Galactic Grade — a cheap crystal-rock composite commonly associated with what he called “the stuff of alien shanty towns.”
The discovery has reignited a larger debate over whether visiting civilizations are still capable of the craftsmanship once associated with their alleged work. Ancient humans supposedly got pyramids, precision stonework and mysterious celestial alignments. Modern Earth, by comparison, appears to be getting rectangular pillars assembled by whatever crew was available after lunch.
Covarrubias said demolition crews are especially frustrated by the lack of any obvious business model. “They build this shit. We tear it down. Then they come back and build more of this shit,” he said. “I wouldn’t exactly say they’re stupid. Let’s just say the search for intelligent life should not be called off yet.”
Investigators tracing serial numbers on the latest monuments say the project leads back to developer Rarf Nangork, an Alpha Centaurian who lives openly among Americans and has reportedly become active in the Earth real-estate market.
Nangork rejected the criticism that his company’s latest monuments were “nothing to brag about” and merely another eyesore on Planet Earth.
“If Covarrubias wants to take it down, I have a good idea where he can put that first pillar,” Nangork said. “And believe me, with my ’06 Abductor, it’s possible.”
Council officials said they would continue reviewing the site while drafting new extraterrestrial zoning standards, including minimum height requirements, approved sacred geometry and a possible provision requiring all alien developments to contain at least one feature capable of baffling archaeologists for 4,000 years.
About the Author
Matt De Reno
Scratch De Reno is the not-so-secret alias of author and occasional clown Matt De Reno, who, despite his advancing age, never quite grew up and still finds an alarming number of juvenile things funny. When he isn't clowning around at Funny Newz, Matt is the author of The Midas Files, a considerably more serious series of conspiracy thrillers involving mysterious technology, government secrets, UFOs, murder and other grown-up things. You won't find quite this level of silliness in The Midas Files—but every now and then, a little Scratch manages to sneak through. Contact him at
