THE PEARLY GATES — In what theologians are calling the most significant change to the afterlife since somebody decided clouds needed harps, a recently deceased Ohio man was shocked to discover that eternal salvation apparently now operates on a subscription model.
Did you see the TV plug?
Rick Benham of Lima, Ohio, a longtime title operations supervisor in the real estate business who reportedly died of either natural causes or terminal boredom, arrived at the Pearly Gates Tuesday expecting the traditional package of eternal peace, celestial enlightenment and complimentary access to deceased relatives.
Instead, he was asked to choose between Heaven Basic, Heaven+ and Heaven Premium Eternal.
"I just spent 62 years trying to cancel things I don't remember subscribing to," Benham complained. "Now I'm dead and they're telling me Grandma is only available on Heaven+?"
The revelation comes courtesy of Fr. Lou McKenna of the Fox Mulder Church of Boston, Funny Newz's longtime and inexplicably reliable pipeline to all things supernatural.
According to McKenna, Heaven recently completed what officials describe as a "modernization of the eternal customer experience," converting several previously complimentary features of paradise into recurring subscription services.
"The good news is that admission to Heaven remains free," McKenna explained. "The bad news is that's pretty much all you get."
Under the new pricing structure, Heaven Basic reportedly includes admission through the Pearly Gates, one standard white robe, unlimited cloud access and up to three hymns per month with occasional advertisements.
Heaven+ removes advertisements and includes harp streaming, deceased-pet reunification, priority prayer forwarding and access to what celestial officials describe as "select premium miracles."
The top-tier Heaven Premium Eternal package adds unlimited family reunions, wings, historical celebrity encounters and the ability to look down upon former coworkers and quietly say, "I told you so."
Pricing starts at $14.99 per eternity.
Benham's problems, however, went beyond entertainment.
Shortly after checking in, he received an invoice for several philosophical theories that Heaven claimed he had subscribed to during his lifetime.
Among them was:
"Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises."
Charge: $499.
"I never heard that phrase in my life," Benham protested. "I reviewed title work for a living. Exactly what great enterprise did they think I was beginning?"
Another charge appeared for:
"Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win."
Premium Motivational Philosophy Package: $799.
Benham vehemently denied subscribing.
"Look at my browser history," he said. "There's probably forty years of Steelers scores, lawn mower reviews and searches for 'why does my back hurt when I stand up.' Does that sound like a man who dared to win?"
Heavenly customer service representatives reportedly informed Benham that he may have accidentally activated the philosophy during his free mortal trial period.
"You know how it works," McKenna explained. "You click on something inspirational, accept the terms and conditions without reading them, and suddenly you're subscribed to Marcus Aurelius for eternity."
Benham attempted to cancel several theories but discovered that celestial subscriptions can only be canceled by visiting Account → Soul → Eternity Settings → Manage Beliefs → Other → Advanced → Why Are You Leaving Us?
He was then asked to speak with a cherub.
Estimated wait time was 347 years.
"At least Comcast eventually answered the phone," Benham said.
St. Peter confirmed that his office was investigating Benham's disputed charges but expressed skepticism that all of them were accidental.
"Let's see here," Peter said, scrolling through Benham's eternal account on a golden tablet. "He says he never subscribed to 'The best offense is a good defense.' Never subscribed to 'Fortune favors the bold.' Never subscribed to 'Carpe diem.'"
Peter paused.
"Interesting."
According to Peter, Benham's account also showed a lifetime subscription to the theory:
"There's a sucker born every minute."
Peter slowly looked over his reading glasses.
"Well," he said, "apparently there was."
Benham subsequently attempted to downgrade to Heaven Basic but reconsidered after discovering that the free tier requires watching a 30-second advertisement every time someone says "Amen."
At press time, he was reportedly considering Hell, whose representative assured him that eternal damnation remains completely free.
"They don't nickel-and-dime you," Benham admitted. "I'll give them that."
