Funny Newz: Local Man Claims He “decided” to Become A Millionaire and Yet “Nothing” Happened

BOULDER, COLO.—Cliff Epperson, help desk support plankton at Hewlett-Packard, was tired of incrementally climbing the corporate ladder of the IT world, only to find he would be knocked down a few pegs at performance review time. In nearly 15-years, he has never climbed out of the 30s, salary-wise (or the real estate district of his parent’s game room). He felt that was all about to change.

One day he listened to a commercial over the radio, on his way to the “cube farm,” as he calls it, which clamored among many things, that to become a millionaire, one first had to “decide to become a millionaire.” This magical personal decision was the real secret to riches (that and plunking down money for a so-called free set of books).

However, it did not work out that way for Epperson. He has not made one iota more than he did a week ago handling an oar on the IT slave ship. He turned to Funny Newz for help.

“Hey, I think I can sue these crooks for false advertising,” he said to us sheepishly, fumbling for a bunch of pens that doubled-over his pocket protector. “I mean, their stupid radio advertisement specifically said that all I had to do, like countless others who became mega-rich, was simply decide to be that way… I was surprised the solution was that freaking easy.”

“Here I thought you had to be Bill Gates or own a Girls Gone Wild franchise or something…” he continued, “I never realized that all I was missing was the ability to make one freaking decision and that I would be on my way to becoming rich… Nevertheless, I did that. I did exactly what those pricks said I should do, and guess what: nothing happened. Now, I want to sue those bastards…”

Unfortunately, we advised him against that course of action. We explained to Epperson he probably had little ground to stand on legally and that his best recourse was to go back to work helping old ladies plug their mouse peripherals back in when they come unplugged or unconnected. For a second, he seemed to turn his frustration on Funny Newz, mostly as he watched me getting into my company-paid BMW.

“You look like you made a ton of money,” he said, miffed and bothered. “How did you do it?”

“Easy, pal,” I said. “The secret is never ‘settling for less.’”